(CHILDREN CHATTERING AND RUNNING)
(INSECTS CHIRRUPING)
(LION ROARING)
(SINGING AND DRUMMING)
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
Ah, Daniel. How are you?
I like it. Yeah.
(STRAUSS' "THE BLUE DANUBE" ON GRAMOPHONE)
(CHARLES SINGING "THE BLUE DANUBE")
CHARLES: Now, here's an easier one. What date was the Magna Carta signed?
Not all at once.
Jonathan, can you remember anything about the Middle Ages?
♪ From Greenland's icy mountains
♪ From India's coral strand
(CONTINUES SINGING HYMN WORDLESSLY)
(SHIP'S HORN)
NARRATOR: In the spring of 1906,
after ten years of selfless service
in some of the most inhospitable corners
of Britain's far-flung Empire,
Charles Fortescue, the missionary,
returned to England a hero.
(SEAGULLS CRYING)
- So sorry. - Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, please don't worry. I'm not hurt at all.
I'm just taken by surprise, that's all.
They're rather difficult to handle.
Especially in this weather.
- Yes, this doesn't help. - What are they?
They're fertility objects. African, mainly.
They're beautiful.
Yes, well, sexual potency is frightfully important out there.
Well...
welcome home, Mr Fortescue.
(CLATTERING)
Hurry, hurry!
Hurry! Come on!
Stop pulling the reins! Ah, damn you!
How is Deborah?
Oh, just like a little child.
You know, terribly excited.
She was a child when I left.
Oh, yes. Well, she's a fine woman now.
By God's grace, the image of her mother.
Oh yes, I was very sorry to hear about Mrs Fitzbanks.
Well, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.
She loved ice skating, ll remember.
Such a shame she never learned to swim.
Come on! Get moving!
FITZBANKS: Parswelll Whoa, Parswell!
Whoa! Parswell! Whoa! Parswell!
Steady, Parswell.
PARSWELL: Sorry, sir.
Surely this can't be old Major?
Yes, old Major.
He still remembers me.
Always the same, Parswell.
- This relentless quest for speed. - Come on, boy.
- What are these, anyway? - Fertility symbols, sir.
They know I'm getting married, you see.
Better not show them to Deborah.
Take them up the back stairs. All right?
All right, sir.
Leave you to say hello.
Ah, thank you.
- I'll give you a hand... - Deborah?
Deborah? I'm back.
Deborah...
you look absolutely marvellous.
I'm Emily, the maid, sir.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'll help bring your things in, sir.
Er... yes, if you would, please. They're, um...
they're outside.
DEBORAH: Hello, Charles!
Deborah?
Well, how are you?
Oh, ever so well. And how are you?
Oh, not so bad. 26 days at sea.
Feel a bit like an unpacked bag.
Oh. well, I can get you one if you want.
Oh, no, no. I feel as if I am one.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- Charles. - Yes?
- There's some lunch. - Ah.
It's been such a long time.
Yes, well, I just didn't know when you'd be arriving.
No, no. Since we last saw each other.
Oh! (LAUGHING)
Ten years.
Ten years, four months, 18 days, and 25 minutes.
- It's cold. - What?
- Lunch. - Oh, that'll be fine.
It's just so nice to be back.
DEBORAH: ! do hope you're hungry.
CHARLES: Rather. I've haven't eaten since the Bay of Biscay.
Oculi omnium in te spectant Domine
et tu das illis escam in tempore.
Aperis tu manum tuam,
et imples omne animalia benedictione tuam.
Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui sancto.
Sicut erat in principio,
et nunc, et semper, et in saeculo saecularum.
Benedictus, benedicat per Jesum Christum Dominum Nostrum.
Tuck in, Charles! You must be starving.
I kept all your letters.
I kept all yours.
Yes. They're upstairs in numbered boxes.
Oh, Deborah.
The first eight boxes are general subjects.
Yes...
They're divided into separate subsections.
Oh, yes?
There're six for particular subjects:
birthday, Easter, Christmas, all that sort of thing.
Ah, yes.
So ll find July the 8th, 1899,
see Elephants, Box 5, Section 3.
- How busy you must have been. - Oh, I enjoy it. I love filing.
And where did you keep the letter
in which I asked you to marry me?
Box 3, Section 11.
Ah.
I hope I didn't sound too forward.
No, no, not at all.
I mean, I did think of you an awful lot.
Well, I know, otherwise you wouldn't have written me all those letters.
Of course, right.
Six hundred and sixty-three.
I used to sit out at night, under the vast bowl of the stars,
And 143 postcards.
But I felt terribly alone.
They wouldn't all fit into my room,
so I had to put 18-B to 22-S in the study,
and then all the odd numbers, 15 to 23,
in Daddy's bedroom,
and when I've re-indexed Boxes 21 to 40,
I'll have a 15-year, two-stage cross-reference...
(HUMMING A TUNE)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)
LADY AMES: What are they?
CHARLES: They're fertility objects. African, mainly.
LADY AMES: They're beautiful.
Well welcome home, Mr Fortescue.
This is marvellous!
Like seeing it all for the first time!
I had an old bone-shaker out in Africa, you know.
Yes, you said in letters 18, 36, and 49.
- Did I really? - Mmm.
I used to ride around the province on it.
The locals had never seen a bicycle before.
They used to call me "the man on the starving horse".
How silly.
(BARREL ORGAN PLAYING)
You really should have come out to Africa, you know.
No, I can't stand being dirty.
I'm going to be a jolly, happy English vicar's wife,
and have a big house with lots of children.
That's all I want.
Well, we'll have to see what I'm offered in London.
The Bishop may want me to be a prison chaplain or something.
Oh, Charles!
I can't wait to be married!
NARRATOR: Fortescue didn't have to wait long to meet the Bishop.
An urgent note requested his presence in London,
less than a week after his arrival home.
Excuse me.
The Church and University Club, I'm looking for.
Straight across the road, sir.
Ah. Thank you.
Thanks.
Driver.
Excuse me. The Bishop of London?
Down the end, sir.
Ah, thank you.
(COUGHING)
(CHATTERING)
(METAL CLASHING)
That's it. Keep your guard up.
Fortescue!
Come on down.
Oh, come on, now. It isn't a dance!
Keep your guard up.
Oh, come on, Liggett! You can do better than that.
Ah, good. I'm sorry to drag you down here,
but it's my young men's night, and I couldn't miss it.
- Do you like a scrap? - I'm sorry?
I love to see a pair of fit boys scrapping.
Hockey.
- Hockey? - Do you play hockey?
No, my Lord. I'm afraid I don't.
Oh, too bad. I promised I'd get a team together
to play the Methodists on Saturday week.
Now, they're very good, but physical. Yes.
Drink?
- Well, a cup of tea would be very nice. - Yes, tea it shall be. Wise man.
- (RINGS BELL) - Hilda!
Two of your finest.
Yes, well, how was Africa?
Quite remarkable, sir. Quite remarkable.
Much time for sport?
Sport? No, not a lot.
I was out there for a while, you know.
Wonderful country. I tried to teach them
the rudiments of rugby football.
But it wasn't really their sort of thing.
They hang onto the ball for too long.
Weeks, sometimes.
Liggett! Liggett! Keep your eye on him!
Tighten them up, Bunyan. Keep them firm.
That's it.
Yes, he doesn't like rules, your African.
We had a chap called Sperry in Tabaka province.
Keen cricketer. County standard.
He tried to explain the no-ball rule
to a very primitive side from Mashonaland.
Well, I mean, they cut his head off in the tea interval.
Stuck it on the pavilion.
The worst thing was he'd built that pavilion himself.
Still, just shows you can't force the pace of progress.
- Well, cheers. - Cheers.
Now, let me get straight to the reason
why I brought you back, um, erm... Fortescue.
Um...
How are you with women?
I beg your pardon, sir?
I know you're good with Africans,
but how are you with... with... with... with... with women?
I'm sorry, sir. I'm not quite sure what you mean.
Well, we've got a problem, Fortescue.
An increasing problem.
- Women? - Certain kinds of women, yes.
Certain kinds?
Ladies of the street.
Filles de joie.
Daughters of the night.
They're a big problem for the Church.
No, no. We're strong on drunkenness,
we've had a fair crack at homelessness,
but, as far as prostitution goes,
we're not even out of the changing room.
What do you want me to do, my Lord?
Go amongst prostitutes, Fortescue.
Go to the filthiest streets of London,
into the back alleys, and behind the workhouses.
Seek out the harlots and the streetwalkers.
Get to know them. Get to understand them.
Win their confidence.
Find out why they do what they do,
and stop them doing it.
We badly need this mission, Fortescue.
Your Methodist, your Salvationist,
even your Catholic is showing us the way home.
We're starting a lap behind,
but we can still get our nose ahead of the bell.
What do you say?
Well, I don't know what to say, sir.
I didn't quite expect this.
No, no, I realise it's a difficult one to bowl at you
right out of the blue like that.
All would ask is...
that you come dancing with me tonight.
♪ Put on your ta-ta, little girlie
♪ Do do what I want you to
♪ Far from the busy hurly burly
♪ I've got lots to say to you...
BISHOP: Look at them.
You know, some of them...
some of them are only in their 13th and 14th year.
How old are you, my dear?
- Twenty-three. - Twenty-three!
You don't have to do this work, you know.
- Go away. - Come on, gents, one at a time.
I am a bishop.
Sorry, sir. No reductions.
I can help you find other work, my dear.
- Come on. - Please, please.
Come back with us, we'll find you food, and clothing...
Harry, trouble!
You won't have to come back to all this degradation.
Take your hands off me! I'm a member of the Church!
SINGER: ♪ Your pretty little ta-ta
♪ And come out to ta-ta with...
(WORDLESSLY SINGING "ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL")
DRIVER: Out the road!
Charles?
- Charles! - PARSWELL: Miss Deborah?
Charles?
(DOG GROWLING)
We've been so worried about you. Are you all right?
Yes, I'm absolutely fine.
Oh, thank goodness for that.
I had some dreadful vision
of you getting into all sorts of trouble.
What's happened to your head?
Oh! Oh, that's nothing. 1, er...
I banged it. On the door. Of the train.
How was the concert?
Well, everyone was asking after you.
They're all terribly excited about the wedding.
- Wedding? - Our wedding.
Oh, yes. Yes.
Well, don't be so mysterious. Do tell.
Is it an important job?
Yes. Yes, it is an important job, Deborah.
It's not exactly what I was expecting,
but, by God, it needs to be done,
and I shall do it the best I possibly can.
- Something hot, sir? - What?
Kept some kedgeree for you, sir.
Oh, thank you, Emily. Thank you.
What is it?
I'm going to remain a missionary.
- But I thought... - A missionary in England.
Everyone's English in England.
But they're no less needful of our help.
Deborah, I saw scenes last night which will never leave my memory.
In the heart of our capital city,
in the centre of our Empire,
there are people who have no homes but the street.
You mean tramps?
Tramps, yes, and others.
Are you going to be looking after tramps?
No, I shall be looking after women.
Women tramps?
No, women who are in moral trouble.
Liars?
Deborah.
Not yet, Charles.
Sorry.
Do sit down, Deborah. I want to talk this over with you,
so we both know exactly what we're doing.
(COUGHING)
The mission is going to take up
a very large part of my life from now on.
I promised the Bishop I'd not only run it,
but I'd find the money to run it.
- Milk? - Please.
This will take me away from you,
and it'll take time.
So that's why I want you to be absolutely clear
about what it is I'm taking on.
- Sugar? - One, please.
Deborah, do you know what is meant by "fallen women"?
Women who have hurt their knees?
No, no, no, no. Much worse than that.
Broken their legs?
NARRATOR: Only slightly deterred by Deborah's evident inability
to fully comprehend the nature of his work,
Fortescue threw himself into the task of fund-raising
with characteristic vigour.
Mind the carpet, sir.
My husband won't have anything mended, you know.
Well, I should imagine the costs must be very high.
Well, yes, but he doesn't like to be parted from them.
Well... eminently reasonable.
- Cedric, dear, someone to see you. - Oh?
This is Mr Fortescue, the missionary.
You remember, we read all about him in the newspapers.
Oh.
He wants us to help him in his new work, dear.
Isn't that splendid?
How do you do, sir?
- I'm so pleased to meet you. - Oh! Don't...
Don't shake his hand.
It's a terrible palaver.
It's a most beautiful house.
He won't hear that, I'm afraid.
- It's a most beautiful house! - Hmm?
No. He doesn't hear anything on that side.
I was just saying, sir,
what a most beautiful house you have here.
Hello.
LADY FRAMLEIGH: There. You've got him, but it's still a little close.
It's all to do with pitch and vibration.
Having spent, er... ten years in Africa,
I realise that, in all that time,
I'd been neglecting the needs of our own people here at home.
Er... it's all very well sending out missions
to Indochina, the Gambia, Somaliland...
when the real problems are here, under our very noses.
This is the country that needs our help.
All our best people go to Africa and to the colonies,
but what do they leave behind them, here, on our doorstep?
A moral void.
In the heart of our great cities,
in the back streets and behind the workhouses,
and among the slum tenements,
you will find young women,
some of them no more than 13 and 14 years old,
who wander the streets, homeless,
the prey of exploiters and criminals.
They know no pride, they know no shame,
as they sink deeper and deeper into the abyss.
I've seen them. I've talked to them.
I've heard their cries for help,
and if we ignore those cries...
if we refuse to help, if we refuse to fight,
if we pass by on the other side,
- then He will call us to account. - (BELL RINGING)
He will want to know why it is, we let our own people wallow
in the mire and filth of evil,
why we saw so clearly the mote in others' eyes,
but not the beam in our own.
Unless we can take up the battle to save
and enlighten these wretched souls now,
then the darkness of ignorance we see so clearly in others
will engulf us all.
We'll be sucked into the quicksands of apathy,
leaving the profiteers and the procurers
to ply their cruel trade.
I believe most strongly that we cannot and must not
seek the easy way out.
To ignore what is going on,
to pretend nothing is happening.
We can begin the moral revival.
We can begin to save the souls of those British fallen women
who have fallen into sin,
who've been dragged down through no fault,
other than their own ignorance and innocence.
But we must act now, and that is why I've come along here today,
because I believe that it is with the help of people like you
that we can start a new and vigorous...
- Mr Fortescue? - Tide of hope and optimism.
- Mr Fortescue? - With the help of people like you,
- we can breach the barriers of ignorance. - Mr Fortescue!
And smash the barriers of... Yes?
I'm awfully sorry, but my husband has died.
- Died? - Yes.
You know, his heart has ceased to...
Yes, yes, I...
Oh, dear.
I'm terribly sorry because he would've loved
to have heard what you were saying.
Oh, no, no, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I do apologise.
Oh, don't worry, Mr Fortescue.
These things happen,
and he has had a jolly good innings.
I'm... I'm most frightfully sorry. I shall be going.
Oh, no, it's I who should be sorry.
It was really a breach of... of manners.
Because he's very forgetful,
and he probably forgot you were there.
CHARLES: Well, I think when one's dying,
one does tend to become forgetful.
LADY FRAMLEIGH: He's never done it before.
Take your coat, sir?
Oh, yes. Thank you, Emily.
DEBORAH: Charles!
What is it?
Come up here. I've got a surprise for you.
I'm in my bedroom.
♪ Dear Lord and father of mankind
♪ Forgive our foolish... ♪ Door's open.
(DEBORAH CONTINUES HUMMING HYMN)
♪ Rightful mind... 3
Hello.
Look at the shelves.
Incoming, Box A.
Incoming... A.
Who is this Lady Ames?
Lord Ames' wife.
Who's he?
Oh Charles, where have you been for the last ten years?
Darkest Africa?
Oh. Well, he's terribly important.
He was General Gordon's number two.
Why has she written to me offering me his money?
I mean, I never wrote to her.
Of course you didn't, silly. I did.
According to the book, he was the richest man in Britain,
and I think that it was worth starting there.
Deborah, you are a very, very clever girl.
I just want to get married, that's all, Charles.
I suppose I was right
to wear the Hussar's uniform rather than the Lancer's.
Goes rather better with my eyes.
Shows up every drop of spume, though.
Equine spume plays havoc with a cavalry uniform.
An over-excited mount can make the most splendidly attired officer
look as if he's suffering from appalling diarrhoea.
Who is this fellow?
Nobody I know, hmm?
No. It's someone I know. I'm Lady Ames.
LORD AMES: Is he British?
- SIR CYRIL: Your Lordship, please. - LORD AMES: Oh, sorry. Sorry.
I am so glad you could come.
I find I hate foreigners more and more.
- Do you find that so, Everidge? - My husband is rather busy at the moment.
- Shall we talk? - Yes, yes, of course.
So, your fertility symbols arrived home safely?
Yes. A little bruised, perhaps, but, er...
Effective nonetheless.
You must find it all very different here from Africa.
Oh, yes. Much more civilised.
That's the trouble, isn't it?
The trouble?
Being civilised.
Here, there are so many right ways of doing things,
and so many wrong ways of doing things.
Well, it's much the same in Africa, you know.
I'm not talking about stealing cattle.
I'm talking about things you're allowed to say and do.
Well, England's very liberal after Africa, I assure you.
Oh, do you really think so?
I find it very stifling.
Really? In what way?
Well, I mean...
Well, for instance, I couldn't just go around saying that...
I find you very attractive...
could I? Oh, don't... please don't worry about him.
He's a talker, not a listener.
Well, what do you think?
Well, I think it's very very kind of you to offer...
to donate money to the missionaries.
No, no. About me.
About you?
Well, I think you're very generous.
Oh, I am.
Tell me about Africa.
Ah, well, it's a long story. Erm...
When I first went out there in 1895, the whole...
Does the sun shine all the time?
Yes, yes, it does most of the time.
I should like that.
It is very nice,
once you get used to the flies and the fevers.
The people and the animals,
ll mean, where else in the world do you wake up in the morning
and find elephants, and rhino, and hartebeest by the waterside?
Why ever did you leave?
Well, I, er...
I wasn't going to spend my whole life there.
I mean, I wanted to come back. I wanted, er...
to try new work.
- I wanted to, er... - Get married?
Yes, yes, yes.
I mean, Africa's all very well, but it's, er... it's not...
It's not what?
What I was educated for.
I mean, my roots are here in England, like yours.
Oh, yes.
My roots.
Well, would you like to discuss the donation with your husband?
No. No, you're quite right,
it is difficult to discuss it while he's here.
Ah, no, that's not what I meant.
LORD AMES: Isabel!
Why don't you come and see me tomorrow?
I have a bolthole in Chelsea.
I'll give you the address.
LORD AMES: Isabel!
Henry will be at the studio all day,
so we can just talk.
What?
Get to know each other.
- DaVld'?
- LORD AMES: Isabel? - Yes?
Who are the people I really hate?
Please come. I'm sure we could help each other.
- Ah, no, look, I think... - I'll see you tomorrow.
The Swiss?
No, no, no. In this country.
Who do I really hate?
We were talking about them the other day.
Missionaries.
That's right! Missionaries.
DEBORAH: Did she offer you anything?
Oh, she sort of hinted that she might be interested at a later stage.
Oh, that's marvellous.
Very good people to be in with, Ames.
Well, I said no.
What?
I said no.
You said no? Just like that, without even thinking about it?
Well, it didn't feel right.
I felt she was doing it for the wrong reasons.
Wouldn't have thought Ames as the sort of patron to turn down.
But it's so rude. What must she think of you?
Well, I'm sure I'll find the money elsewhere.
That's what you've been saying for the last six weeks.
Deborah, you must understand...
No. I can't understand.
First you tell me that you're looking after lady tramps,
and now you tell me that you've turned down
the first real offer of money that we've had.
We're never going to get married. Never! Never!
Deborah, let me... (CLATTERING)
Let me explain! Deborah! Deborah!
Deborah...
I've waited ten years for you, Charles.
You must trust me, Deborah. There are reasons...
- Oh, what reasons? - Just reasons.
You're so mysterious about everything these days.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Go back and see her again.
- I can't... - (LOUD BELCH)
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Just cleaning, and... cleaning. - (CLATTERING)
- Charles, please go back and see her. - PARSWELL: Sorry.
I can't. I don't know where she'll be.
- She's at the studio. - No, no, they're probably finished.
- Then at the house. - Don't know where it is.
Mortonhampstead.
It's on the Great Western line, two stops before Chippenham.
There's a 9:38, 21206, and a 2:15.
You don't understand.
Please, Charles.
If you love me, go back and see her again.
(CREAKING)
(HEAVY KNOCK)
Yes?
Ah! I believe the Ameses, er... live here.
Yes.
I would like to see Lady Ames, please,
on a purely business matter.
Of course, sir. What name shall I say, sir?
Fortescue.
Fortescue, sir.
Come this way, please.
Thank you.
Follow me, sir.
(NERVOUS COUGH)
No. This can't be right.
I think we should have turned...
left at the billiard room, sir.
This way, please.
No. That's not it.
CHARLES: It is a very large house.
SLATTERTHWAITE: Yes, that certainly doesn't help.
Ah, this looks promising.
Ah. If you won't mind, sir,
we'll go round to the front and start again.
- I'm much better outside. - This way, isn't it?
SLATTERTHWAITE: Ah, yes, you're absolutely right.
Sixteenth century, much of the building.
CHARLES: Ah. Mmm.
LORD AMES: Are there two Ls in "disembowellment"?
(LADY AMES SIGHING) I think so.
Are you expecting anyone?
LORD AMES: No, thank God.
I saw Slatterthwaite with someone in tow,
- going down to the pond. - (RINGING BELL)
He really is the most disastrous butler.
Can't we get rid of him?
Of course we can't.
He's been here 25 years.
I don't know why we ever got rid of Margerison.
You know perfectly well why we got rid of Margerison.
Oh, that was only a bit of harmless fun.
Not for the parents.
Yes, milady?
Oh, would you go and find Mr Slatterthwaite, please, Millicent?
He was going down to the pond.
Head him off before he gets to the maze.
Yes, milady.
What are you doing?
Writing to The Times.
What about?
Punishment.
"Embedded."
- Two D's. - Thank you.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
- "Skull"? - S-K.
The butler, milady.
Well done, Millicent.
Ah. Lady...
- Ames. - Ames, mm.
A Mr Forester to see you, milady.
Good afternoon, sir.
My name is Fortescue. I'm a missionary.
I had the great fortune of meeting you and your wife in London recently.
Never set eyes on you.
At the studio, sir. You were kind enough to be
very sympathetic to my work.
Most unlikely. What sort of work is that?
Amongst the underprivileged, sir.
- Who? - The underprivileged.
That's an unfamiliar term to me.
People who have less than ourselves.
Well, in our case, that includes practically everyone in the country.
Can you be more specific?
Well, I certainly think we should hear more about it, don't you?
Leave the ungrateful buggers alone, I say.
Won't you stay for dinner?
Er, no, no. I promised I'd be back this evening...
before nightfall.
You've missed the last train.
I was told there was a 4:22.
Oh, no, not on Thursdays.
- Coach? - First thing in the morning.
Can't Wooler get the motor out?
Well, not in this weather.
Then I'll walk.
Oh, no.
No, really. It is far too far.
(RINGING BELL)
Can one buy a train?
Where would we keep it?
Look, really, I must get back.
Oh, one more for dinner, please, Millicent.
Yes, milady.
After all, it's not every day
we have missionaries in this part of Wiltshire.
LORD AMES: "Agony"?
A-G-O-N-Y.
LORD AMES: You see, what I think is wrong with the country today
is that there aren't enough people chained up.
It's one of his theories.
Ah.
LORD AMES: I think many people, if they were given the choice
between abject poverty,
and being held, firmly but fairly,
on a chain of their very own, would choose the chain.
They could reach their food, obviously lie down in bed...
You can't chain people up.
LORD AMES: There you go, you see? Typical liberal reaction.
All I'm saying is, we should try it.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, my Lord.
I lost my bearings temporarily in the west wing.
LORD AMES: I once had a chap before me
who'd been caught stealing from the mess.
I ordered every alternate fingernail to be removed,
and, you know, I still get a card from him every Christmas.
You can go to bed at any time.
No, no, no. Please, I'm fine.
I don't want to put you to any trouble.
Trouble?
Well, the trouble of getting a room ready.
Oh, no, there are 400 rooms ready.
Aren't there, Slatterthwaite?
At all times, milady.
- Oh! You must go up and change. - I'm sorry.
- No, no, no. - Oh, no, please, please.
- You must get out of these wet clothes. - No, no, no, no.
You can't eat like that. You're all sticky.
Don't think I'll eat after all. I'm not hungry anymore.
Well, you must have something.
No, no, I think I'll go straight to bed.
I suddenly feel terribly tired.
There, that is a good idea. I'll bring you a tray.
No, no. Ll mean, er... no, thank you.
Millicent, the Chinese room.
Has he been in Africa for a long time?
- Ten years. - Yes. Thought so.
MILLICENT: Here's your room, sir.
There's a spare nightshirt for you, sir, on the bed.
I hope you'll have everything you want, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, the locks don't work anymore, sir.
- The mistress had them taken off. - Ah. Hmm.
Hmm.
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
(DISCREET COUGH)
(OWL HOOTING)
Yes?
LADY AMES: May I come in?
What for?
Well we never did discuss how much you wanted.
For the mission.
Rather late now, isn't it?
But I may not see you in the morning.
You see, I... I never get up frightfully early.
Yes, well, come in. I'll... I'll get my...
Come in! Ah! The chair seems to have fallen against the door.
Er... I've got the papers,
but I don't have the exact figures. I wasn't exp...
You look rather good in Henry's nightshirt.
Um... well, I'm very honoured to be wearing it.
You know, I've often wondered what sort of things Henry wore in bed.
Oh, you don't, er...?
God, no. That was never part of the arrangement.
No, he only touches me by accident occasionally,
in the motor when we turn a corner too fast.
Oh. I'm sorry.
There are others.
Does that shock you?
It shouldn't. Not if you're to be of any help to fallen women.
Ah! Talking of which,
I think the first thing to clear up, er...
would be the purchase of a possible mortgage.
How much do you want?
Well, I think we should discuss it, don't you?
No.
No?
Why pretend?
Pretend?
I know why you came here today.
Look, I think if we confine ourselves to financial matters,
- it would be better for both of us. - But don't you find me attractive?
No, it's not that at all.
Why did you follow me in the street the other day?
- Follow you? - In London.
- I wasn't following you. - Why did you attack me on the boat?
- That was an accident. - Why did you get your fiancée to write?
Pure coincidence.
Are you in love with her?
We've been in love for eleven years.
- You've been away ten. - Yes, but I wrote.
- You wrote? - Yes, I wrote. Er... letters.
Oh, does she excite you?
And postcards.
May 1? Thank you.
But if you're going to marry her,
she should excite you deeply, passionately.
Well, she's not that sort of girl. She has other qualities.
- Oh, such as? - She's a very good organiser.
- That's not enough, is it? - It's a start.
But you want more, don't you? That's why you came here.
I want help to start the mission.
Well, I can give you help.
Yes, but I can't do anything for you.
But if you do, I can give you everything.
In that case, I shall have to regretfully say no.
(SUDDEN NOISE)
- (FOOTSTEPS) - Who's that?
Oh my God. Get into bed. Quickly.
- What are you going to do? - I'm going to get in too. Move over.
- What? - Ssh! Be asleep.
Oh, dear God.
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
(SIGHING)
Oh.
(EXHALING HEAVILY)
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
Lady Ames, he's gone.
Lady Ames, he's...
Oh, dear.
NARRATOR: So, with an act of typical dedication,
Fortescue finally ensured
that the Mission to Fallen Women became a reality.
From now on, he was to dedicate his evangelical energies
into a new and unfamiliar world,
the violent streets of London's Dockland.
CHARLES: "Dear Deborah,"
"thank you for your letter of the 18th,"
"reference D-F 471/106-B."
"Yes, you were right to send me back to the Ameses,"
"and, as you rightly say,"
"Lady Ames is a very generous person."
"I've spent a week clearing up the mission house,"
"and now I'm going to look for our first fallen woman."
"Lady... tramp."
"I hope all goes well with the wedding preparations."
"I remain your dearest fiancé, Charles."
That's very good.
(CHILDREN PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(GULLS CRYING)
(SHIP'S HORN)
(BARREL ORGAN PLAYING)
SALVATION ARMY CHOIR: ♪ . ..marching as to war
♪ With the cross of Jesus
♪ Going on before
♪ Christ, the royal Master
$ Leads against the foe
♪ Forward into battle... ♪
- ADA: Go on, out you go. - I've got another 20 minutes!
What would you do with another 20 minutes? Go on!
I've just thought of something.
Go on!
I've always wanted to try it.
A right little tearaway you are, aren't you, darling?
Now bugger off. Go on.
Bloody women.
Blimey!
(DISCREET COUGH)
May I speak to you, please?
Yeah, all right.
Come on.
(BOTTLE SMASHING)
PROSTITUTE: Get out of here and shut that door!
I ain't got time to waste with that pissing around.
You get what you pay for, and you paid for fuck all!
Now sod off!
Here we are. A bit of a climb.
Hope it's worth it.
Hello, Tiddles.
No, no. I really do just want to talk.
Well, I'll have to charge you, dear.
Oh, that's all right. I have money.
Well, we'll have a nice little chat,
and if you want something later, I'll include it all in the price.
It's five shillings for an hour.
(DISCREET COUGH)
Thank you.
It's funny. I like the clergy.
I've never once been roughed up or cheated by a man of the cloth.
I wasn't much of a churchgoer when I was young,
but since I've been obliging vicars,
I've gained a lot of respect for 'em.
Now then, Reverend, what's your problem?
Oh, I... I have no problem.
I'm here as a representative of the Bishop of London
and the Church Missionary Society.
Er... we're opening a mission up the road in order that, er...
"Mortal sinners like ourselves can be turned away"
"from the wicked paths of promiscuity."
- Well... - Listen, Reverend.
I've been working this patch 19 years.
I know all the sins I'm committing,
which is more than can be said for some of your lot,
who come round here trying to save us every three weeks.
"Love one another."
- That's what He says, isn't it? - Yes.
Yeah. So that's what I do.
Oh, you'll get the odd one with a funny idea or two,
but most of my boys just want company.
- Tiddles! (MIAOWING)
A bit of company, a bit of cheering up.
I'm like a mother to 'em.
Only they can't fuck their mother, so they come 'ere.
Excuse the language, but that's how they talk around here.
Take it or leave it.
Look, I don't disapprove of you.
Ha! Of course you don't.
You just disapprove of what we do.
What we indulge in.
That's the trouble with your lot, you hate sex.
You never have it, SO you hate it.
No, that's not true.
Of course it is.
Soon as you come in here, you says,
"I'm not here for sexual reasons,"
as if there's something wrong with anyone who is.
No, no, I don't think that way.
All right, then.
If I was to say to you,
"You're a nice-looking fella. How about a quick one?"
what would you say?
Well, I'd think about it.
Well, then...
You're a nice-looking fella.
How about a quick one?
(TIDDLES YOWLING)
CHARLES: That's right, and a blanket for each mattress...
NARRATOR: Word of Fortescue's unique blend
of moral leadership and personal availability
spread like wildfire through the back streets of East London.
Within three weeks of opening,
the mission house was filled to capacity.
But, as the day of his wedding approached,
Fortescue was finding the work increasingly demanding.
(KNOCKING)
Come in.
Who is it?
- Emmeline, sir. - Oh, yes.
You know you said about coming to see you with problems?
Well, I meant in the morning, really.
Well, I can't sleep because of this problem.
What is it?
Well, I keep thinking about you.
Thinking about me?
Well, I shouldn't waste your time doing that.
You're not like anyone I've ever met.
It's just that most of the people I've been to bed with
didn't care who I was, you know?
Yes, yes, I do know. And I wish that more girls like you
would realise that, and not try and glamourise what they do.
Yes, I agree with you, sir, really.
I mean, I'd just love to go to bed
with someone who was kind and considerate and gentle.
Just once, you know?
Well, I'm glad you feel that way,
because that's what our mission's all about.
Oh, good!
What are you doing?
There's so many preachers around telling you what to do.
"Give up this, give up that."
None of them ever show you a better way, you know.
It's warm.
Er... Emmeline, let me explain.
You mustn't confuse the sexual act
with moral and spiritual values.
What does that mean?
Well, it means that physical sex is not necessarily that important.
That's just what I always said.
Do it and enjoy it.
It's not the end of the world.
Er, no, no. You haven't quite grasped what I mean.
St Paul says something rather interesting here...
Emmeline, you cow!
CHARLES: Who's that?
- It's Louise, sir. - And Agnes.
Ah, hello, Louise, Agnes.
I was, er... just telling Emmeline how relatively unimportant sex is.
(BOTH) Oh, good!
(GIGGLING)
Mr and Mrs Campion... two, row 4...
26th of the 6th, '06.
Mr and Mrs Napier and Amanda...
three, seventh row...
B-14, bride's side 23rd of the 6th, '06.
Absolutely still now, petal.
Oh, Daddy, not now.
It'll be jolly interesting in years to come
for people to see how we lived.
Yes, but not in the middle of my seating plans.
Parswell.
"Young girl preparing for her wedding."
LADY AMES: Excuse me.
Is the Reverend Fortescue here, please?
(BABY CRYING)
I would like to see him.
Well, er... he's upstairs asleep, ma'am.
But it's... it's ten o'clock.
Yeah.
Yeah, well... you know, go and have a see if he's, er...
I think he should be awake by now, don't you?
Up here?
I suppose so, yeah.
Excuse me.
(CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Where would I find the Reverend Fortescue?
- Through there, ma'am. - Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
CHARLES: Oh, go away, girls.
I can't deal with any more problems tonight.
Let me sleep.
Isabel! Ha! Hello.
Isabel, how... Isabel, how nice!
How nice to see you! It's going terribly well.
The overcrowding's a bit of a problem.
I even had to give up my bed.
I'm sorry to have disturbed you.
I didn't know you were so involved in your work.
Isabel, please don't go.
I'm in the way. I can tell when I'm in the way.
- No, no, no. Vicky... - Violet.
- Er, Violet. Would you and Ruby... - Rosie.
Rosie. Go and clean upstairs and get some help
from the three girls in my... bed.
What do you think of it?
It must be very nice for you.
Isabel, what's the matter?
Matter?
Well, you sound rather less than happy about something. Is it, er...
Is it the mess?
Listen. Since that night at Mortonhampstead,
I haven't seen or heard of you. You haven't visited me,
and the one time I decide to visit you,
I find everyone in one bed. Yours!
- Oh, Isabel, I can explain that quite easily. - Oh, I'm sure you can.
You're a missionary. That's what you're trained for, isn't it?
To explain things to people.
Isabel, these girls have no love and affection in their lives.
I have to listen to them. I have to be prepared to spend some time with them...
It must be awful for you.
Do you ever think of me?
Of course I think of you, Isabel.
I thought of you on Tuesday.
I was going to put your name on the sign:
- "The Lady Ames Mission." - Oh!
What do you want?
I thought that night was going to change our lives.
It did change my life, Isabel.
I mean, that night made a great difference to me.
So ll see.
The wedding invitation... yes.
That's Deborah. She's awfully keen on you.
You can't do this to me, Charles.
You can't unlock the door and then just run away.
Isabel?
I give you fair warning.
If you don't help me change my life,
I shall change it myself.
I shall start with the bank account.
As you're doing so well, you won't need my money any longer.
Goodbye, Charles, and the answer is no.
Reverend! Reverend! Look! It's bleeding!
- That bloody Lizzy Carpenter... - Yes, yes, I see.
I see. I see. Please, get out of the way!
You cow!
Isabel! Isabel!
Isabel, please! I can explain!
NARRATOR: The withdrawal of Lady Ames' funds
was a serious blow for the Mission to Fallen Women.
But such was their regard for Fortescue,
that the inmates voluntarily decided
to go back onto the streets to raise money.
The selfless action of the girls did indeed save the mission,
but only to face another, far more serious threat.
Bishop!
Don't let me hold up the good work.
Oh, that's all right. Plenty of willing hands.
- Can you take this, um...? - Nellie.
How are you?
- 28 girls last night, sir. - Oh, good, good.
I'm trying to get everything done before the wedding.
Oh, that's, er... that's tomorrow, of course.
That's right. Rather crept up on me, I'm afraid.
Fortescue, can we... can we talk somewhere, old chap?
Somewhere away from the crowd? I mean, do you have a room, or...?
Yes, but it's full of girls, my Lord.
They're painting it while I'm away.
Here's probably as quiet as anywhere.
Yes, but, er...
Oh, girls, girls, give us a couple of minutes, would you?
Yes, Your Reverence.
Louise! Give us two minutes, could you, please?
Now, what brings you down here?
No, to talk. To talk.
I just dropped in, actually, on my way back from
the Missionary Council meeting.
I should imagine they must be rather pleased with us, my Lord.
Well, they're a funny lot.
You know how, er... competitive the churches are nowadays.
- Hockey, my Lord? - No.
No, no, no. Religion.
Ah.
Well, to be quite blunt, we've had complaints of unfair competition
from the other religions in the area.
The Catholics, the Methodists,
the Unitarians, and Anabaptists.
Um... they've all had to close missions,
because they, er... they can't get the girls.
Well, that's rather a feather in our cap, isn't it, my Lord?
Well, it's the grounds of the complaints, I'm afraid.
What grounds?
I should pad up, Fortescue.
I'm going to bowl you some rather fast balls.
- (GIGGLING) - No! Girls! Later! Later, please!
Now, Father D'Arcy of the Society of Jesus
claims he knows for certain
that you've had sexual dealings with a Miss Ada Shields,
a well-known and apparently unrepentant lady of the streets,
who resides at 41G Willis Building.
And Mr Penny of the First Risen Church of God
says that girls who used to come to him
now go to you because you offer them, er... sexual favour.
And furthermore, Mr Hardy
of the Hackney Wick Methodist Community Hall
says that he's seen you through the window "helping girls".
- I can explain, my Lord. - There's no need to, old boy. No need to.
I know what you say is true,
but once tongues start wagging...
Look, I'm your greatest supporter.
You played a cracking innings here,
but I think the time has come, especially on the eve of your marriage,
to think of moving on.
- Moving on? - We've found an excellent successor,
a lady of great character,
thoroughly trained in the prison service...
But I can't leave the girls.
Well, I'm afraid it's either that or the, er...
Missionary Council close the place down,
and consider disciplinary action of some sort,
and that's not worth it with a career like yours,
now is it, old chap?
I'll lay you an odds-on bet you could be a bishop yourself in five years.
- Who, me? - Oh yes, if you play your cards right.
I have it on very high authority.
One of the better dioceses, nothing too industrial.
Just what Deborah always wanted.
A big old house swarming with children.
Absolutely, and why not?
Don't throw your future away down here, Fortescue.
These people aren't worth it.
Well, I must be on my way.
I've got an exorcism in Chiswick.
BISHOP: Talking about big old houses,
I'm sorry to hear about our friend Lady Ames.
We've coped very well without her money, my Lord.
In fact, rather better.
No, no, I mean the nasty business down at Mortonhampstead yesterday.
- What nasty business? - Oh, rather unpleasant.
Someone poisoned the food. One of the gardeners died outright.
CHARLES: How dreadful.
Yes, well, it could've been a great deal worse.
The butler took the wrong turning.
The food was apparently intended for Lord Ames himself.
Thank you.
Well, cheer up.
1, er...
I think you've made the right decision.
LADY AMES: I give you fair warning.
If you're not going to help me change my life,
I shall change it myself.
(BELL JANGLING)
Afternoon, sir. The dog.
- What? - The dog awaits.
Mr Carlton, the second footman, will collect on Tuesday, sir.
- Don't you remember me? - Yes, of course, sir.
You are Mr Emmanuel, the dog clipper from Faversham.
No, my name is Fortescue, the missionary.
I stayed here once.
Fortescue...
Medium height, dark hair, moustache, dog collar.
Yes, yes, that's me. I wish to see Lady Ames, please.
I'm afraid you can't, sir.
- It is very urgent. - I'm afraid she isn't here, sir.
After the unfortunate attempt on her husband's life,
she insisted on taking him away with her, sir,
to recover from the shock.
- She's taken him away? - To shoot.
What?
At Carnoustie, sir, in Scotland.
One of their Scottish homes, sir.
- Where is it? - You can't miss it, sir.
Turn right out of the station.
Or left.
Thank you.
Not at all, sir.
Are you sure you aren't Mr Emmanuel from Faversham?
No, no, no, my name is Fortescue.
Ah!
You're Fort... ah.
In that case, I must point out, sir, that, er...
I have strict instructions from Her Ladyship
not to tell you, er, that...
She's at Carnoustie House in Scotland.
That's right, sir.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Not at all, sir.
(DOG BARKING)
NARRATOR: So it was that on the very day
he was to marry Deborah Fitzbanks,
Fortescue chose instead a life-or-death mission
500 miles away in the highlands of Scotland.
- Morning! - Morning!
I say, it is marvellous this place, isn't it?
- Absolutely splendid. - Absolutely splendid.
Did you manage to find a lavatory?
- No. - No...
nor me.
MAHARAJAH: How big are the grouse?
LORD AMES: The grouse? Oh, they're quite big.
Good, good. I can only Kill the larger bird now.
Love the car, sir.
Yes. I thought I ought to get a few.
Well, what are we all waiting for? Champagne's getting warm.
I'll join you all later.
Mr Corbett and I have some business things to attend to.
Oh, don't sound so terribly disappointed.
I know what you men really think about women in the field.
- We're only a distraction. - Nonsense!
Nonsense. Very decorative.
Climb aboard the bone-shaker!
Here we go... up!
Who's she with nowadays?
No idea.
I expected to see old Cholmondeley sniffing around, I don't mind telling you.
Oh no, he only shoots with the royals nowadays.
Jocelyn Cholmondeley? How low can they stoop?
Got shot in the hip by the King last week.
Really?
Couldn't say anything, of course.
Had to crawl around all day pretending nothing had happened.
Screamed for four hours in the evening, though.
Good!
(CHATTERING)
You've taken care of everything, Corbett?
- Indeed, madam. - Nothing can go wrong?
- You have my word. - Good.
Madam?
You know I love Jeannie and the wee ones,
but there's never been an hour of a day go by
without me thinking of you.
Well, that's nice of you, Corbett.
I knew you'd want me for something special.
I knew the call would come, so
I've been holding myself
in readiness.
I shall make it worth your while.
Just to be rid of that man would be enough for me.
To know that our forbidden love can blossom
like wild jasmine on the slopes of Ben Shiel.
No. I meant money, Corbett.
What need I of money when I have you, and you have me?
I've seen you admiring my body.
I've seen you glancing at it on hot summer evenings.
We'll use this one.
I... don't mind. I like you to look at it.
I've kept it for you. I don't drink. I don't smoke.
I eat raw meats and I undergo dreadful physical hardships every winter
in order to bring it to a peak of perfection.
Do you want to see it?
No. Not now, Corbett.
We must be up there as soon as the first champagne break,
which, if I know Henry, will be in ten minutes' time.
Fetch the coaches, will you?
Oh, I love it when you give me orders.
Now!
Oooh!
Isabel?
Charles! What are you doing here?
I've come to stop you.
How... how dare you?
How dare you interfere with my plans?
- You mustn't kill him. - Why not?
What business is it of yours, interfering priest?
- You could hang for it. - No-one's going to hang.
It'll be a simple shooting accident.
Isabel, this is England in 1906.
People don't go around killing each other because they don't get on.
No. They just endure, don't they?
Stiff upper lip. That's the British way.
I'm sure it wasn't like that in Africa.
Africa's primitive.
Oh, yes. Well, God save us from being primitive.
There's not so much wrong with the British way.
- For your class, especially. - My class?
This is not my class, Charles.
You know what I mean.
You don't know what / mean.
(COCKNEY ACCENT) You alone, sir?
Want some company?
Clean and cheap?
Yes, I've disguised it well, haven't I?
I had to.
The honest tart never gets anywhere.
No, they're not my bloody class, thank God!
CORBETT: Your Ladyship, the coach is here!
You go on, Corbett.
You know what to do.
- Isabel, I... - Please, don't.
I don't want to be understood.
Not now.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to gain from this?
Isabel?
(TRYING TO LOCK DOOR)
Isabel?
Isabel!
Isabel?
Isabel! Isabel!
(SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC)
(CHATTERING)
Champagne! More champagne! Are you ready?
(GASPING)
Dear God.
Oh, thank you.
CHARLES: Excuse me!
DRIVER: Oi!
Oi!
(LAUGHTER)
(CORKS POPPING)
LORD AMES: Much improves the aim, you know!
MAHARAJAH: When I was a young man, I could even shoot the puduni.
What the hell's a puduni?
Oh, it's a tiny Indian bird, just very small.
I could shoot it between beak and ear,
without damaging either.
That was when I could still see, of course.
(EVERYBODY LAUGHING)
Oh, I see, yes! Very good!
Still drinking?
We were just discussing
what's the smallest thing anyone's ever Killed.
- Oh, really? - Newlyn claims to have shot
a bluebottle with a twelve-bore.
He didn't kill it, though.
Had to finish it off with his foot.
Are we starting soon?
All right, all right.
Since when have you been so keen on shooting?
(CHATTERING)
- Well, where am 1? - Haven't the foggiest, old man.
- Where are you? - Well, I'm down there.
- Where am 17 - You're down there, too.
That'll be cosy.
Good fellow. Aah!
What?
(SILENT MOUTHING)
(BABY CRYING)
(SILENT MOUTHING)
(ORGANIST PLAYS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE")
(DOGS BARKING)
Ready, Maharajah?
Sahib!
You ready, old chap?
Ready, General!
Everybody ready?
- We're with you, Henry! - Rather!
Ready! Ready, General!
Ready, General.
(METAL SCRAPING)
(PANTING)
Here they come. Nice fat ones!
Here we go!
(MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS)
Damn and bugger!
Blast!
Oh, well done, love!
I say...
Stop! Please stop!
I say!
Get down, sir! Get down, sir!
Get down! Do you want to be killed?
LORD AMES: What the hell do you think you're playing at?
(CRYING OUT)
I say, what's going on? Why has everybody stopped?
- Good God. - WOMAN: Someone's been shot!
Please, do something!
(BABY CRYING)
(FOOTSTEPS)
- Hurry! - Is Henry all right?
Yes, looks like it.
The woman took the brunt of it. Shot in the back.
Thank God for that.
- Came up over the hill. - Which hill?
- CHARLES: Take her home. - Not my cart, sir.
- CHARLES: Take her home! - Yes, sir.
- You'll be all right. - I'm sure.
Corbett's such a bloody awful shot.
I'm sorry. Dear God, I'm sorry.
You were only trying to do the decent thing.
Oh, no, don't.
Charles...
That's the trouble with you. You're far too decent.
MAN: Apparently that vicar chappie saved Henry's life!
Don't let them make you into a hero, Charles.
They do love a hero.
I got it all wrong, didn't I?
What do you mean?
I tried to convert the missionary.
Isabel...
Isabel?
- I say, well done! - Well done, old chap!
- Dashed narrow escape! - You saved the old boy's life!
DEBORAH: "Dear Mr and Mrs Campion,"
"thank you so much for your wedding present,"
"which I herewith regretfully return."
"Yours sincerely..."
"Deborah Fitzbanks."
- (KNOCKING) “ "Miss."
Come in.
I, er... sorry to be an inconvenient, er...
Miss Deborah, at this hour, but, er...
What you want done with this, please, miss?
What is it, Parswell?
I don't rightly know, ma'am.
I found it under the bed.
How strange.
You look nice with your hair like that, Parswell.
(DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING)
SLATTERTHWAITE: I'm sorry, Your Lordship.
I turned right at the top of the stairs.
All right, all right.
Get in, get in.
Hello, girls.
NARRATOR: After the shooting of Lady Ames,
or the rescue of Lord Ames, as it became known,
Fortescue returned to the mission he loved,
and which had loved him.
So successful was he at filling it with girls,
that, in March 1907,
the Bishop of London himself closed it down.
Come on, you idle buggers, give us a hand!
NARRATOR: The Bishop now offered Fortescue a simple choice:
to stay in Dockland, or stay in the Church.
He chose to stay in Dockland.
And, though he never wore a dog collar again,
he was known to the end of his life
as "the Missionary".
What's all this for, then?
Well, we'll use it to patch up one of those sheds
at the end of the walk,
and have somewhere to muck around in.
Will it be a mission?
No, no. Just somewhere to muck around in.
Let's get it. Come on, we're going!
I can't move this on my own.
Well, leave it!
CHARLES: Isabel, we don't need that!
LADY AMES: We need everything we can get!
CHARLES: Look, you're only living in one house now, not three.
LADY AMES: Don't start preaching to me!
- CHARLES: Well, you're so stubborn! - I'm not stubborn!
It'll look lovely over the mantelpiece.
CHARLES: We haven't got a mantelpiece.
LADY AMES: You've got no imagination.
CHARLES: I've got no money.
GIN PALACE SINGER: ♪ Johnny loved a pretty girl
♪ On whom he used to call
♪ And he thought the girl that fact would like to know
♪ How to break the news to her
♪ He'd no idea at all
♪ And he let no end of splendid chances go
♪ Best thing I can do, said he
♪ Is take her for a stroll
♪ To propose indoors I think is hardly right
♪ What you want's a place
♪ With no-one near you, not a soul
♪ So I think I'll say
♪ When I call round tonight... 3
Come on, everybody!
CHORUS. ♪ Put on your ta-ta, little girlie
♪ Do do what I want you to
♪ Far from the busy hurly burly
♪ I've got lots to say to you
♪ My head's completely twirly whirly
♪ My girl I want you to be
♪ So put on your ta-ta
♪ Your pretty little ta-ta
♪ And come out to ta-ta with me ♪
SINGER: That's lovely. That's lovely.
Come on, everybody, settle down, eh?
And you, missus. Go on, smile. Give your face a holiday.
That's right. All right!
♪ Now some young men are backward in proposing, so they say
♪ But if she's made up her mind that he's the one
♪ Let him merely show the will, she'll soon find the way
♪ And before he's quite aware of it, it's done
♪ Johnny and the girl sat in the parlour quite a while
♪ But to tell you all they said would be a shame
♪ For since that night he seems to wear an everlasting smile
♪ And no more has special reason to exclaim... ♪
All together, now! Put your backs into it!
CHORUS. ♪ Put on your ta-ta, little girlie
♪ Do do what I want you to
♪ Far from the busy hurly burly
♪ I've got lots to say to you
♪ My head's completely twirly whirly
♪ My girl I want you to be
♪ So put on your ta-ta
♪ Your pretty little ta-ta
♪ And come out to ta-ta with me
♪ Put on your ta-ta, little girlie
♪ Do do what I want you to
♪ Far from the busy hurly burly
♪ I've got lots to say to you
♪ My head's completely twirly whirly
♪ My girl I want you to be
♪ So put on your ta-ta
♪ Your pretty little ta-ta
♪ And come out to ta-ta
♪ And come out to ta-ta with... ♪
SCHOOLMASTER: Fortescue! Put the book away, boy.
SUBTITLES BY POWERHOUSE FILMS LTD